bideshi friendship guide (VAL)

Bideshis are foreigners, and although there aren't a lot of us here, we all populate the same neighborhood and frequent the same 4-5 restaurants. This has unfortunately made us the audience of some pretty atrocious behavior by people who either just arrived in Dhaka and don't know what to expect, or have lived here for so long that they've decided they just don't care about appropriate social norms and customs anymore. On the positive side, we have befriended the staff at all of these restaurants, and the American Club, and the grocery store, because (not to brag) but we look pretty fantastic next to these clowns. In hopes of educating even one shameful bideshi, I have composed the following guide:

How to Befriend a Bangladeshi in the Service Industry

1. Smile
2. Greet him/her in Bangla, even if you have to smile and nod at the response because the only thing you know how to say is the greeting which you have been practicing for the previous 5 minutes in the car until Matt says "shut up already, I think you got it"
3. Remember his/her name, even if you have to use mnemonics and translate it in your head to unpleasant English phrases like "Nosebleed" or "Noose-Rat" or "Ferret-Ass"
4. Try the local specialty in all cases: food, dress, transportation, manners
5. Try eating with your hands, even if you look like an uncoordinated infant doing so
6. Retrieve your own tennis balls because my god it is hot out and no one should have to be on that court unless they're silly enough to insist on playing through the heat of the afternoon which by the way corresponds to the tennis pro's lunch break
7. Carry your own groceries
8. Graciously allow someone else to carry your groceries if they insist and will be offended if you refuse their help
9. Recognize that you are being pampered because you're a Bideshi, and learn to be appreciative rather than resentful for the attention
10. Do not grow to expect this pampering, and when it ends, realize that it's because you've finally been accepted as a friend, a regular, and a local

How to Upset Bangladeshis and Embarrass Other Bideshis

1. Frown/Scowl
2. Say "eww", "gross", "dirty", "nasty", and/or "what the *#$% is that?!?"
3. Mumble quickly in your regional English slang...
4. ...then be annoyed when asked to repeat yourself
5. Treat a Bangladeshi like s/he's stupid for not speaking fluent English
6. Be the loudest and/or most demanding person in the room
7. Wear a tube top
8. Wear a mini skirt
9. Wear a dress that shows more skin than tube top & mini skirt combined
10. Drink yourself into a stupor, then stumble around in public in a country where drinking alcohol is illegal and immoral.